“Wed February 5, 2003 4:02:39 PM
Did you miss me??
Thats a joke, cause I’ve been reading what you’ve been writing and I know what you’ve been feeling.
I’m feeling kinda wierd today. You know that feeling? The one that feels all strange in your stomach and you vauguely know what it is but it’s there so strong! You wanna decribe it, at least for yourself, thinking that if you can put it into words you can maybe get a better handle on it. But the words to properly descibe it arent coming and so you feel this void, that you wish would close……..
I don’t know, I guess it’s called the Human experience. Its gonna constantly go up and down…….theres no escape from that fact.
I try to look at it in a way that puts it in perspective, like without bad, there can be no good..or without knowing sadness you can never know happiness
or the best one…….it will all pass soon
When I feel this way, I pray. I never underestimate the power of prayer! to ask for understanding of what I’m feeling and relief!
Sometimes, its jus one of those days
But the best thing to do is to decide its gonna end! right now, right here!
I don’t wanna go around all day in a funk! so I’m gonna end it!I have a plan! and my plan is to talk about something that makes me smile. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, You know what makes me smile? Ya’ll do! (I’m smilin already) Especially how sweet and kind and considerate and giving and thoughtful you were to me for my birthday! WOW! I couldn’t even believe it! I still barely can. All the things you wrote to me on the message board, and all the cards and thoughtful things you sent. The beautiful way you put together the whole site for me to look at, and you opened up your hearts and told me exactly what you felt! You sent me so many sweet wishes and kind words for the year ahead! The fact that you even took the time to really put it together, or send it in the mail or write it down……..was priceless! I’m so rich with family, and you guys are millionaires!!!!!!!!:-)
It was really cool, cause my b-day lasted like the whole week!!! For some reason this year I was sooo excited about my birthday. Usually, ever since I was younger, I’ve always kinda hid my b-day, not hid it, but just didn’t want to make it a big deal. Like I HATED it when people would try to throw me surprize parties, or if we’d be out eating somewhere and the whole resturaunt starts singing happy birthday and they bring out a cake LOL….it’s a nice gesture, but I would just feel like I was being put on front street, and for some reason I really didn’t like that. I like the low key, the down low.
But this year, I was super excited about celebrating my day.
I was proud of this year and I wanted to honor that and celebrate it and all that life brings and offers and teaches. So I decided I wanted to plan a nice day with people close to me and do something that I’ve been dyin to do!
It started with a nice quiet dinner at one of my FAVORITE restuarants!(no loud singing still though:-) with lots of laughs and good conversation and most importantly GREAT food:-) then I went to see the broadway play Chicago, which was really good! the greatest thing about theater to me is how it can just transport you to other worlds, other times, other thoughts. After that we went to a lil lounge kinda spot an just hung out, talked, it was real viby with couches and low lights circled by smoke. There, some more folk met up wit us and we had a chance to chill! from there we had to shake a leg:-) so we hit the club(which all yall already knew about, and I wanna know how the hell the papers knew where I was??:-)plus I had on my best disguise!HAAAAAA!
We danced the night away bein silly, making jokes, daring people to do funny things! it was alotta fun!! I had a great day!!
See my plan is working! that strange feeling is disolving as we speak…….
The day after, I was able to just reflect,(after I was a big bum and lounged around all day that is)write in my journal and Thank God for another year, another day. Honestly, everyday is a birthday. Cause everyday, you’re born again, EVERY SINGLE DAY you have a new chance, a clean slate, a brand new try!
and even if you feel wierd sometimes, or out of place, or sad, hurt, unappreciated, overworked, underloved
just know, you’re not alone
we all feel that way sometimes
and I promise………